Matsie For the Win!

me: hard-dancing birthday girl, 5’6”, loaded (as in drunk, not rich— but I don’t have to tell you that!), who made the mistake of leaving my purse on a table next to my friend to take a shot.

you: man, this part is hard— I didn’t really get a good look at you. can’t say I even saw you at all— which is too fucking bad because I would love to punch you in the dick!

the wallet: matte red leather, present from my mom, gold button over the snap and some ink stains. worn at edges. heavy and thick, like the size of a burrito.

you douche!

I hope you enjoy my 6+ year collection of stickers, business cards, receipts, now-canceled credit cards AND, which I’m most cheesed about: the banana flavored Obama condom my friend got me at the inauguration! that condom is a part of history!

I feel kind of bad for you— I keep my cash in another pocket in my purse (next time, maybe you should just go ahead and take the whole thing— you could be snacking on some mentos right now) so now the problem of exchanging all those west african francs I accidentally left senegal with is on you. go ahead try the bank, asshole! all the coins are polish. there’s approximately a third of a penny’s worth of grosze in there, but the dollar from the cayman’s might get you somewhere. hopefully far, far away from the saint…

oh man! I just remembered! two days ago the gas station guy slipped me a two dollar bill! you snake! I want that back!

so if you were the guy that stole my wallet, let’s totally hang. I have some other things lacking in monetary value that are extremely important to me you could take too, if you wanted.

what am I saying? I don’t want to hang out with you! no one does! you suck!

if you, for whatever reason (I won’t ask any questions) have my awesome wallet and want to give it back to me before I stand in line at the DMV for six hours to replace my license, totally email me.

if you clicked on this because you stole a wallet last night and it doesn’t fit this description, please know that you too are a complete fuckface.

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